The 10 Rules of Being a Lazy Slob

lazy bum

You have people telling you left, right and center about how to stay motivated and make a better life for yourself.  Well, what if you’re happy being a lazy, uncreative, pessimistic, out of shape loser?  To keep all of those redeeming traits follow these basic rules.

1 Never set goals even small ones.  If you did manage to achieve one of those small goals that may lead to wanting to tackle a bigger one. 

2 Find fellow sloths to hang out with.  Remember the rotten apple spoils his companion so choose your lazy, bum friends wisely.

3 Frown.  Turn that smile upside down.  Being glum makes others around you feel bad too.  Spread the misery.

4 Start the day with some strong negative affirmations.  Stand, no better sit, in front of the mirror and repeat over and over the things that you hate most about yourself, your family and the world that we live in.  That depressed mindset should keep your negative thoughts rolling even if you do come into contact with a “the world is my oyster” type jerk during the day.

5 Read very little unless, you can get your hands on stories about war, crime stats, famine, plagues, and conspiracy theories.  Even then you should manage your intake of material.  You don’t want to increase your knowledge by learning anything new. 

6 Play it safe.  Never take a risk at work, in relationships, with sports (not that you do any) or with life.  You may succeed but most likely you’ll fail and the effort would be too great to even bother putting out.

7 Avoid all physical activity.  Exercise releases endorphins that could cause a smile to break out on your face.  Take the elevator, use the car to travel even the shortest distances and when you do have to move, do it slowly.

8 Depend on others to do things for you.  Why learn something new or try to do something for yourself when you can rely on others to do it for you? 

9 Never finish anything you start.  A half finished project is a sign of habitual quitting and is of no use to anyone which makes it all the more depressing.

10 Be a hermit.  Stay cooped up as much as possible.  Leaving the house and interacting with others could lead to having a good time, laughing, smiling and enjoyment.  How will you ever stay depressed and foul tempered if you are surrounded by people you enjoy spending time with? 

Remember even if you have a good day now and then it will only make the rest of the bad ones more depressing.  Being negative and unmotivated often takes practice.  Quit often, work as little as possible and keep your head held low.  The lazy slob badge of honour is not one you wear on your chest but one that you proudly rest on your pot belly.


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One Response to “The 10 Rules of Being a Lazy Slob”

  1. Kim Says:

    Yep, this is Howard alright. I didn’t realise how hard it must of been for him to get so lazy!

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